Brian Guy

Web Developer, Writer, Dad, Aspiring Adventurer

Personal

Best Comedy of All Time

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OK, there is a more than a bit of hubris in that title, but this is my blog and I’m just screwing around for now, especially with this post. Actually, I don’t have time to be making this post, which is exactly why I am making this post. My brain is dumb. No, no. Not like that. I’m actually pretty smart by almost any measure, except for that thing where you look at a flat diagram and have to determine what kind of 3-D shape it would fold into. I suck at that.

Anyway, procrastination is my name and ADHD is my game, or vice versa. So, here we go, no pictures no meta data, no SEO, not much content. I’ll do all that later… maybe… if I get around to it.

Don’t hold your breath.

Vampire Missionaries

The reason we are gathered here today is someone sent my high schooler a joke about Transylvania University reaching out like all of those other mailers we have been getting since the day she score decent enough (pretty impressive actually) on the PSAT test that high schools in Colorado have their students take so they don’t have to waste everyone’s time on some sort of other standardized test (see also: CMAS, I’ll spare you my rant, but someone is getting rich off of that and it ain’t the schools).

Anyway, it triggered my memory of the greatest vampire joke of all time. This tweet is from 2018. It seems to be the original. I give you Vampire Missionaries.

https://twitter.com/MicroFlashFic/status/1022573616809041923

Turk Lipsyncing and Dancing to Poison from Scrubs

This is so much ha-ha funny as just glorious and fun. It’s actually hilarious if you watched the show and knew the characters. I’m putting it here anyway. It’s from Season 5 Episode 9 of Scrubs titled My Half-Acre which isn’t the greatest episode, but for this scene? Worth it.

The Bet From Friends

There were a lot of bets in Friends, but the one I remember and love is when Chandler and Joey bet Rachel and Monica about who knows who better and Ross makes up a Jeopardy-style game show to determine the winner.

I’m in a hurry and it looks like YouTube videos come in 5-minute segments or whatever, but here is the meat of the scene. From Season 4 Episode 12.

If you know the show this scene is outrageously hilarious.

“Transponster!”

This cuts off the first part of the game, so you are missing Chanandaler Bong. Go search for the first part if you’ve got some extra time.

Actually, here you go. I set it to start at 2:30, otherwise there is some setup. Your call.

Alright. I’m going to get back to work for now. I’ll be back. I’m sure I’ll think of more funny stuff when I’m supposed to be working.

Making Ferrari Money

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I have a whole social media campaign planned out around the concept of me using various platforms and strategies you always see people on the internet insisting they use to make tons of money, and you can too!

The idea is to make enough money to buy a Ferrari like this one YouTube kid I randomly saw using different money making ideas and platforms that influencers say put them in a place to travel the world, buy sweet houses, and yes, own a Ferrari… or two… with a Bugatti. It even turns out that I drive past a local Ferrari dealership all the time. When the time comes, I can just drive up and say, “How much money is a Ferrari?”

I have some scripts to write and some TikToks to film to start the campaign off. But, as they say, a funny thing happened on the way to the Forum.

red ferrari money
Turns out there is a local Ferrari dealership on my usually driving path. Even though this Ferrari is on hold for someone else, and I took this picture through a window, it’s a solid example of what I’m shooting for.

Amazon Flex For Flexing Dollar Bills

One day, I was sitting in my chair scrolling through my phone, like my wife hates, and I came across a Facebook ad for Amazon Flex. Amazon Flex doesn’t need drivers everywhere, but apparently they were hiring in the Denver area, and even though I haven’t recorded my TikToks, or sent out my tweets, or put together a email list for people to subscribe to, I signed up.

Acorns is a good way to save and invest money.

I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal because I could sign up and get while the getting is good, and then just wait for the appropriate moment in my social media and content management campaign to document using Amazon Flex to make money. However, I didn’t really PLAN on doing Amazon Flex at all, and after getting through the sign up and on-line training process, I had this app just burning a hole in my pocket.

So, I started doing Amazon Flex.

Amazon Flex First Delivery

Usually, using Amazon Flex is a bit of commitment, at least when you’re used to being your own boss at your Denver-based freelance writing business.

You sign up for 2 hour, or 3 hour blocks, for the most part. As it turns out, the warehouses you start at are in my city, but not close to my house, per se, so not only am I signing up for a 2-hour shift, I’m also signing up for a 30 minute drive there, and a drive of who knows how long from wherever the route ends.

But, Amazon Flex has this setting where you can indicate that you are “Available Now.” Then, if some sort of delivery comes up with a bit of urgency, it pages you to say there is an immediate delivery available in your area. As it turns out, my house is about halfway in between two Whole Foods stores, so I’ve gotten a couple of buzzes. I declined the first one, but the second…

It was a delivery from Whole Foods to somebody, and I basically blundered the whole thing.

Despite watching all the training videos, my brain went, “I know what to do next,” and just took off. What I was supposed to do is click the button on the app that says, “I’ve Parked.”

You see, Amazon Flex is structured as a step by step process that requires you to indicate that you have done each step. So, when you get to the customer’s house, you don’t just get out of the car and take the bags up to the door, you click, “I’ve parked,” and THEN it tells you that the customer wants the packages a certain way. Then, it tells you to scan the bags to show you’ve delivered them.

I floundered around outside the house for a while before I noticed the “I’ve Parked” button. When I clicked it, everything because crystal clear.

The good news is that I had a chance to learn from my mistakes on a baby delivery and not on some long route that I fell way behind on.

Amazon Flex Second Delivery

I signed up for a second delivery today. It’s also a small one, but this time I get to practice going to an actual Amazon fulfillment center rather than just a Whole Foods. This time, I will look for a button to press every step of the way.

I don’t think Amazon Flex will earn me Ferrari money, but we’re going to see a movie this weekend, and it should pay for the tickets. I’ll need another delivery to pay for concessions, though.

Why I Don’t Buy eBooks

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So my sister has maybe a dozen different Kindles. She’s hooked my dad too. But, for me, I just can’t quite get into reading eBooks.

It doesn’t make sense really. I’m very much into technology. I love gadgets. I’m constantly being accused of being on my phone too much, where, ironically, I’m usually reading something. But, when it comes to actual books, I find it hard to get on board.

Real books. I mean look at them!

eBooks Are Too Small

Sometimes, the problem is that eBooks are just too small. When I buy a big technical book, I get a big technical book. The pictures are big, the example code is big, and any charts are big. Sure, I can zoom into the pages on an eBook, but then I end up messing with the eBook instead of reading it, or typing in the examples.

Check out my Acorns reviews

Also, regardless of what features they add for tracking, marking, or searching through an eBook, none of them are useful when you can kind of remember that one thing, but not enough to remember what you would have named the bookmark, or what it would show up as in the index. In that case, you can pick up a real book and flip through it quickly. I sort of remember it was about 2/3 of the way back, and there was this color picture on the right side about half way down the page…

eBooks Cost Money

Maybe my biggest problem is that eBooks cost money. It’s not that I’m not willing to pay for books. As a fellow writer myself I understand the value. It’s that if I’m going to pay $23 for the eBook, I’d rather pay $23 for the real book.

Occasionally, there is the option to rent an eBook, but the length of rentals and price seem deliberately set to push you into buying the book instead. I mean $6 to rent a $14.99 book for one month? How can that possibly be worth it to anyone? I might as well buy it, except I didn’t want to buy it.

You can get some eBooks from the library. However, publishers deliberately make expensive for libraries to offer eBooks so there is often a lengthy period until your electronic hold comes in. Even in the case of older books, it can still take forever to get, if it’s even available, because the library doesn’t stock them due to low demand. Sometimes, it isn’t even available as an eBook because there isn’t enough demand to process it into electronic format.

For public domain books there are options, but they aren’t always great. I got one that was apparently auto-scanned and some pages are cut off along the side. I guess I can guess what the author meant.

eBook Value

One of the times being against eBooks works against me is while traveling. Carrying several books (I’m not sure what I’ll be in the mood for) instead of a single eReader device is much heavier and bulkier. I could get books just for the trip, but them I’m back to that feeling of if I’m going to pay for the book, I’d rather have the real book.

Someday, I’ll find the right combination of price, portability and ease of use, but for right now. The eBook just isn’t my jam.